"So, what constitutes a great meal? In this context, a great meal refers to an enormous quantity of Chinese food at an unbeatable price, making it an unforgettable experience. The sheer size of this meal makes it virtually impossible to finish in one sitting. Consuming more than two-thirds of a large portion can trigger an irresistible urge to sleep, a reaction so potent that it's comparable to the effects of benzodiazepines used in veterinary medicine. This phenomenon is currently being studied by research teams at Johns Hopkins and Harvard as a potential alternative for medically induced comas and lengthy surgeries.
In fact, the last time I attempted to finish a great meal, back in 2015, I ended up passing out and waking up to find Donald Trump had somehow become president. The intrigue surrounding the great meal doesn't stop there. The chefs at Jade Chinese are said to have been expelled from a secret sect of Chinese monks who deemed their creation—a smaller dish known as "Moderately Large Meal Portion," weighing in at just 1.25 pounds—a horrendous affront. Driven by revenge, they settled in Harvard, Massachusetts, and conceived the Big Meal.
Since 2018, a group of MIT graduates has been delving into the physics of the Big Meal in hopes of uncovering a connection to dark matter due to its impossibly dense nature. They've discovered that although it’s commonly stated that food takes 15 minutes to prepare, it often arrives in as little as 3 minutes—even at a scalding 300 degrees Celsius. This same team is now investigating the potential of early-ordering great meals as an alternative energy source.
When it comes to quality, nothing else compares to the Big Meal. It's so delicious that even if my pancreas goes into revolt from consuming too much (more than three-quarters of a great meal), I would have no regrets. If I were to pass out and wake up in heaven, I would still want to savor the Big Meal. Currently, I'm sitting in my office chair, still feeling the effects of the half Big Meal I enjoyed three days ago, and I wouldn’t trade my experience at Jade Chinese for anything. Without a doubt, I give it five out of five stars."
